Deep Breath
Today has been the type of day in which taking multiple deep breaths does not seem to result in anything other than hyperventilation.
I wrote this song lyric a few months ago and haven't been able to do anything with it, but it pretty much reiterates what I just wrote:
It's been another one of those long days
the kind that break you take your breath away
I've been sprawled out on my bed since work trying to decide if I'm hungry enough to bother making food, thirsty (?) enough to go get a beer, desiring enough to watch hockey at a bar, or in need of socializing with drunks enough to get food/beer/hockey at Partner's Pub. I may just type out this blog, hit submit, and just roll over and go to sleep.
I could get into the specifics of my work day, but that won't really make me feel any better about it. The bottom line is that I have gone a couple of years at my current position without having a conflict of interest between my job duties and bureaucracy. That ended very recently. And it's killing me.
I feel like this could be a good opportunity to stand up for my convictions... however, I don't really have any convictions here. It's my job. It's a job. I can do the job without bringing myself to far into it. (For example, my job duties require me to get involved in some pretty emotional stuff -- I can walk out of work, grab my guitar, and hit the road for open mic on a Thursday with a smile on my face and a song on my tongue.) I've always felt successful in my life in general due to the fact that I can easily jump from the heavy, emotional aspects of my job to my light-hearted, happy-go-lucky attitude.
The problem, now, is that I'm conflicted at work. It's my known job duties in one corner vs. what I'm being told to do in another corner. This confusion at work is effecting me on a personal level because I'm torn between doing what is right and what I'm being told... On the one hand, I could stand up for my convictions, but there could be repercussions to deal with... on the other hand, not standing up for my convictions will ultimately (and they already have) result in a whole different set of repercussions.
I'm trying to clear my head... trying to take deep breaths and make a decision as to what I need to do.
I don't like deciding what to do. I prefer to go with the flow... which in this case involves doing what I'm told to do... but it just feels wrong...
I wrote this song lyric a few months ago and haven't been able to do anything with it, but it pretty much reiterates what I just wrote:
It's been another one of those long days
the kind that break you take your breath away
I've been sprawled out on my bed since work trying to decide if I'm hungry enough to bother making food, thirsty (?) enough to go get a beer, desiring enough to watch hockey at a bar, or in need of socializing with drunks enough to get food/beer/hockey at Partner's Pub. I may just type out this blog, hit submit, and just roll over and go to sleep.
I could get into the specifics of my work day, but that won't really make me feel any better about it. The bottom line is that I have gone a couple of years at my current position without having a conflict of interest between my job duties and bureaucracy. That ended very recently. And it's killing me.
I feel like this could be a good opportunity to stand up for my convictions... however, I don't really have any convictions here. It's my job. It's a job. I can do the job without bringing myself to far into it. (For example, my job duties require me to get involved in some pretty emotional stuff -- I can walk out of work, grab my guitar, and hit the road for open mic on a Thursday with a smile on my face and a song on my tongue.) I've always felt successful in my life in general due to the fact that I can easily jump from the heavy, emotional aspects of my job to my light-hearted, happy-go-lucky attitude.
The problem, now, is that I'm conflicted at work. It's my known job duties in one corner vs. what I'm being told to do in another corner. This confusion at work is effecting me on a personal level because I'm torn between doing what is right and what I'm being told... On the one hand, I could stand up for my convictions, but there could be repercussions to deal with... on the other hand, not standing up for my convictions will ultimately (and they already have) result in a whole different set of repercussions.
I'm trying to clear my head... trying to take deep breaths and make a decision as to what I need to do.
I don't like deciding what to do. I prefer to go with the flow... which in this case involves doing what I'm told to do... but it just feels wrong...