Cruise: Part VI

I've been a bad blogger. I was on a tear, writing out my journalings every night for about five straight nights. Then, I lost steam. Anyways, when we last left off, I was about halfway through the journal I kept while on my cruise to the Bahamas.

Entry Date, Thursday 11/22. Day V.

(*Note: I did not write down a time in my journal. I also didn't write out a full entry. I just jotted down a list.)

After hanging out in the hot tub for quite a while, I went back to my room. I got dressed up and went in search of a turkey dinner. The main dining areas were full, but they were serving the same turkey meal in the Chinese Food restaurant, which was not serving Chinese Food tonight.

I sat near a railing that overlooked Bar City. There was a pianist playing instrumentals of Italian songs. It was a nice atmosphere.

The servings of turkey dinner were tiny... two small slices of white meat, two small slices of dark meat, a tiny scoop of stuffing and an even tinier scoop of mashed potatoes. I suppose, I could have ordered another plate. But, at that point, I was ready to wander the ship and see what adventures awaited me.

(Random thought: I wish I could have brought more hats)

This guy was on my bed Wednesday night. I forgot to post him there.

I don't always take pictures of myself in the mirror, but when I do, I look awesome.

And the bunny was on my bed Thursday.

Entry Date, Thursday 11/22. Day V. 10:00pm

The cruise ship, Norwegian Jewel, pulled out of port, Nassau, Bahamas, shortly after 6:00pm. It is now full speed ahead, heading directly north. We (the cruisers) say goodbye to ports of call, beaches, blue water, warm weather, and various unpredictable adventures.

The vacation is far from over, but the destination of our travels is no longer ahead of us. We are headed home.

I suppose it is an appropriate day to be headed home. Thanksgiving. It's one of two days of the year where home and family is important.

I will be returning home with gifts for my niece, Lily, and my mom -- who likes the sorts of things that you find in shopping areas in vacation spots. I will be picked up from the bus stop by my dad. Thus, the returning home on this holiday is somewhat of a family affair in that all members of my family are in my mind.

I have met a lot of people on this ship who are traveling with family. One guy told me that he is a member of a 37 person group on the ship! A woman I talked to is traveling with 43 others! I don't have 43 people in my life that I could imagine being together with at any given time. I certainly don't have that many family members. I don't even think I can name 40 family members that have been in my life at all... a quick count in my head reveals somewhere between 15 and 25, counting grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and my niece.

I am surprised to find that I am somewhat saddened by this. Here I am... on one of the biggest family get together days of the year... completely alone.

I just came from a dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy. I ate alone in a nearly empty restaurant. Despite the food being the typical ingredients for Thanksgiving, it was certainly far from being a Thanksgiving meal. It was missing something. Perhaps, it was missing "home."

"Home" is an interesting word for me at this time. I just, as many of my friends and family know, sold the house that I lived in 20 plus years and has been in my family for like 50 or more. The house has been my home for a long time. (Even though, throughout my time there, it felt less and less as "home" each year that went by).

I have been turning my apartment into a living space that suits me. But, I can say with one hundred percent certainty that it is not a home.

At this point in my life, I'm not sure I know what a home is. I only know what it is not.

A home is not where family isn't (I know, that's a double negative). Alas, my family is somewhat scattered. I visit each of them on occasion and while each visit is certainly nourishing in many ways, the places that I visit do not feel any closer to home.

I am writing in my journal in the dim, soft light of the ship's small, quiet library. A family of about seven (mom, dad, very young kids), plays scrabble behind me and watches SpongeBob on TV. I sip my Bacardi and Ginger in between paragraphs and pages of my small pocket notebook. When I am unsure of what to write next, I draw on the cocktail napkin that is underneath my drink. Introspection haunts me.

Today is Thursday. I miss Caffe Lena (my foster family, who I see every week) and open mic. I miss my songs, I suddenly realize, which are familiar and comforting and have, in a way, filled the void of the missing home.

Don't get me wrong, I don't fault any of the family members. They have each chosen paths that are fulfilling for them. My brother has found and made a home of his own. He is a wonderful person with a wonderful family. My dad has found a new niche in the world and is happier than he has ever been. My mom, well... she is as crazy and ridiculous as she has ever been. She has goals that change constantly and a granddaughter that gives her reasons to keep on keeping on.

As for me, who knows what path the universe will send me on next. Music, of course, is my love. Caffe Lena is always close by when home is not.

I am not at all unhappy (does that count as another double negative?). In fact, I am the most secure and happy that I have ever been in my life. I find ways to make life meet my expectations -- even if it means changing expectations sometimes.

The family that was playing scrabble has left the library. I finished my drink and have to pee like crazy...

I'm going to go take care of that. Then, I'm going to the Spinnaker Lounge to watch Next Stage do an acoustic show. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe the acoustickyness will feel like open mic night a little.