For the Worse

I came across an old blog entry that I had written while searching for an entry about a concert I supposedly attended some time ago. I usually write about all the concerts that I attend and I save tickets, photographs, and other artifacts in scrap books. Someone asked me who opened for Train at the Palace. I couldn't find the answer and I'm not sure which is is more disturbing to me: That I don't have a ticket or blog entry about the concert or that at one time I liked Train.

Anyways, the blog entry I'm talking about is this one here. A brief summary would be: A whole bunch of women that I had been in contact with at one point or another all disappeared from the earth.

I read this blog entry, as I often do when some time has gone by, as if I hadn't written it. And I laughed because I'm hysterical sometimes.

I recalled my mindset around the time that I wrote it. I was fresh in the dating scene after a long hiatus and was really, seriously surprised at how rude women (calm down. I say "women" here because I wasn't dating any guys and so I can't attest to their behavior) can be.

I had not gone on many, compared to now, first dates at that point and I was still figuring out how it all went down. What I learned is that when you don't want anything to do with the other person for whatever reason, you simply disappear. You don't return calls. You don't return texts. You don't acknowledge them if you see them in person.

Now, this may not sound like that shocking of a thing, but coming from someone who prides himself on integrity and politeness, I was floored. Seriously. You.Just.Stop.Responding. You don't say, "Hey. I had a nice time, but I didn't feel the spark that I'm looking for. If you ever want to hang out as friends, look me up." You.Just.Stop.Responding.

I learned this because of all the women who stopped responding when I asked them out for second dates or third dates or, geeze, even some first dates. I was doing some internet dating sites at the time and I'd exchange messages on the site with women and then we'd exchange phone numbers and then they wouldn't return a call or a text.

There were some dates that I went on that went really well, but there was no real spark. So, I'd write a text message: "Hey. I had a nice time, but I didn't feel the spark that I'm looking for. If you ever want to hang out as friends, look me up."

Some of my friends agreed with this practice (well, because it's polite to be honest with someone in a tactful way) and some thought it was mean. My argument is that it's meanER to just ignore a message.

I don't remember the exact time that I turned over to the dark side... but I did. I'm sure I had received a follow up text from someone who obviously felt something that I didn't. Perhaps she said, "I had a really nice time last night. I'm looking forward to seeing you again ;)."

And I just didn't respond.

I know. I'm a hypocrite. Where's the integrity that I so often say I have? Gone.

You see, we learn from others. We are taught to do things because of how others behave. I developed into a person who Just.Stops.Responding. because I was conditioned to do so. My defenses (commitment to integrity) has been beaten down and eaten away. The enemy has advanced and has taken over the community that I had vowed at one point to protect.

It's not just the responding to people that I went out with. It's many, many things. There are some shitty people out there and they continue to blast me with their behavior. The walls are worn down and I'm tired out. So, I blast back.

There are an infinite number of shitty things that folks have done or said to me in the past that I find myself doing or saying. It's like a disease. Once you catch it from someone else, it's hard to flush out of your system. Maybe there's a cure... A pill? Counseling?

Sometimes, I catch myself before saying or doing something that I consider to be shitty (Oh yes, I know that the thing that I'm about to say or do is "shitty") and I keep it in. I "pick my battles," so to speak. Many times, however, I just let it go, sans filter.

Of course, there are nice people out there. Lots of 'em. I like them. I really do and I recall times when I was more like them. The niceness, like shittiness, is something that can be caught like a disease and/or used to fight through defenses like an army. Sometimes, I feel super good when someone does something nice for me and I pass it on (pay it forward?). For example, the amount of money that I leave for tips at restaurants has increased steadily over the past five years. It's nice and it makes me feel good to not leave society's bare-minimum/acceptable tip amount.

Still, I find myself ignoring texts or phone calls or messages. I'm doing the very thing to others that has upset me in the past when it was done to me. Essentially, I've changed for the worse.

After all, we are what we eat (or what we're fed, right?) and if you've been surviving on a diet of rude shittiness for most of your life, then -- following the saying -- you are rude shittiness.

I suspect I'm not the only person who feels this way. Perhaps, the women in my past who Just.Stopped.Responding. did so because they thought, "eh, dudes Just.Stop.Responding. to me all the time. Since that's what I've been taught, that's what I'm gonna do. Or, rather, not do. Ha!" And they have a blog and write about it and move on.

It's kind of an epidemic of indifference. It's spreading... We.Must.Fight.Back. Or not.